Month: April 2012

Joy = Hindsight in Advance

| Karen

Instead of thinking of my recent trials as a period of hurt followed by a period of victory (hopefully soon), God opened my eyes to see it as one continuous theme:  A good surprise waiting to be revealed.  Like a kid waiting for her birthday present, the waiting and the anticipation and even the temporary “without”-ness of life are not meant to take my joy but to increase it.

Looking back, I realize I laughed less in the midst of these hard times. I internalized my stress so that I had regular heartburn.  Despite good things emerging (growing closer to God and stronger in my marriage), I did not smile as often.

Is this a mistake?  Well, the Bible says that the Joy of the Lord is my Strength.  I prayed for strength often – I only prayed for joy once.  Not that I could have endured it without some worry, some concern, or some life modifications.  But I could have endured it with more smiles and laughter.

Looking back at my other trials, I see the improved character or deeper relationship with God that were forged as a result.  This hindsight improves as the “time” distance lengthens.  Some hard lessons I learned as a child only now appear relevant.  Tonight, my Bible Study teacher told me to have this hindsight NOW – in advance – before my trials are over.

  • While my dad is still recovering from surgery (praise God the cancer did not spread!)
  • While we are still praying for wisdom about a job for my husband.
  • While we are uncertain about upcoming changes in our children’s schooling.
  • While our living room still bears a few marks left by the tree.

If I were to fast forward 10 more weeks – what would I look back at today and see?  Could I find a reason NOT to worry?   A reason NOT to be afraid?  A reason NOT to let the good things of today pass by unnoticed?  A reason to laugh?

Jesus, instead of seeing life as a series of valleys and mountains, help me see it as Your unified purpose, Your ultimate plan to bring good, not evil – to continue the good work You started in me and my family.  Thank You for today.  Give me Your joy and enable me to laugh now – before the hard times are over.

Love the New Guy

| Karen

I know a lot of my friends are hurting as they prepare for church in the morning.  They wonder where the church is going, why things had to change.  Some feel anger, some sadness, some excitement about what the future of the church brings.  I just want to say, this is an opportunity to love.  We have a brother in Christ leading worship in an unfamiliar environment – and I encourage my friends to make him and his family feel welcome.  Why?  Because love not only pleases Jesus, it is a command.  ‘Love each other.’  ‘Love not merely with words but with action and in the truth.’  ‘This is how the world will know that you are My disciples – that you love one another.’  ‘Love… is not rude, is not self-seeking.’  ‘Love always perseveres.’  ‘Love never fails.’

Regardless of our own desires, expectations, hurts, or disappointments, God has called us to look past that to love each other.    I am praying for the church service in the morning, and I pray that you will too.

Jesus, please bless church in the morning.  I pray that Your Holy Spirit will give every member Your peace and overflowing love right now.  Bless the worship pastor and his family; may they feel welcome.  Bless each musician.  Bless the pastor and leadership.  Bless the Search Committee members.  Bless the ones who will come for the first time.  Bless my friends.  Bless those who hurt us.  Don’t let the church split or fail – instead, may Your hand be upon it to mature and grow it; fulfill Your purpose in the church and use her as Your hands and feet.  Let Your presence fill the church so everyone is drawn to You.  Be glorified in the church and in our lives Jesus.  Amen.

A Death on Resurrection Day

| Karen

Today was tough.  I’m glad it’s nearly over.  Our last day at our church proved harder than expected, but today’s grief goes even deeper.  Today I remember my cousin Melissa who was murdered last Easter by her former fiancee.  She was the same age that I am now.  What bothers me so much is that I shook hands with her murderer – I had eaten a family dinner with him, talked about military experience with him – he seemed like a clean cut decent guy.  However, there was a nagging feeling in my spirit.  I remember thinking of telling Melissa, “He doesn’t respect you.”  But I said nothing.  I did not know he was abusing her – in horrible ways.

There is such a stigma against abused women.  I have heard so many people say, “Why don’t they just leave?”  Well, Melissa did.  But she went back last Easter for just a little bit – and he shot her.

You can’t look at a woman and know if she is being abused.  She is there – in every race, every socioeconomic level, every educational level.  She is there behind the smile, behind the outgoing personality.  She may be one of your acquaintances – even a close friend.  I am more watchful now – and bolder to ask, “is anyone hurting you?”

She had a beautiful memorial service outdoors near a river.  There were Love Bugs surrounding us – I have never seen so many at once.  I wrote the poem below as I was riding home afterwards.

 

“Melissa”

Disaster – then grief- how a second can change

Our every day lives into unspeakable pain

The grief hit at once, but somehow I still

Did not believe that it could be real

 

I cried out in anger, asking God why

I searched the Scriptures:  ‘Why did she have to die?’

‘Why didn’t You stop it?’ I asked God, Who replied

“I warned her, my child, not to go back this time.”

 

I try to be strong, to quote Scripture, and pray

Yet inside I’m struggling through this terrible day

They say there’s a reason, that God’s got a plan

But today the pain is greater than my soul can comprehend

 

In the midst of it all, there are plans to be made

No time allowed for grief to first fade

Who, what, and when can be answered with ease

The ‘why’ still remains and haunts even my dreams

 

As days go by, the grief softens, but then

It suddenly re-emerges, and I never know when

The tears start to fall, my face to contort

The volcano of sobs melts my defensive fort

 

It still is not real until the funeral day

Then all my denial is melted away

Maybe God gives us denial to soften the blows

And help us to cope through disaster’s first throws

 

I eagerly listen to the preacher’s sure words

Surely he has an answer – but none that I heard

I did hear encouragement, even had a soft laugh

As he told of childhood stories and her chosen path

 

She loved the outdoors, enjoyed all God had made

For He surrounded her with beauty – in multiple ways

Sunset and rivers, family hugs,

Laughter and tears, and even Love Bugs

 

The grief is not over, I will never know why

But I believe Granddad’s holding her high in the sky

Maybe her view of the sunrise is more brilliant than ever

As her tears have been dried by our ever-close Savior

 

 

While our pain remains, and will to the end

One day we will see her and all our heavenly friends

‘Cause none of us know the length of our days

But each one is precious – and yes, Love remains.

 

The Tear-Stained Piano

| Karen

I vividly remember staring at my mom while tears flowed silently down her face.  She sat at our piano singing the old hymn “Count Your Blessings.” How can she sing THAT song?  I thought, completely confused.  The church just hurt her deeply – she should be singing an angry song.

Only 12 years old, I understood little about the details but all about the depth of my mom’s pain.  I felt it too.  Let me rewind.

When I was 9, my parents decided to help start a little missionary church near Atlanta.  As we pulled up to the new church for the first time, Mom cautiously explained that this church met in a home and only had 25 members so far.  “Our family will make it 30!”  I exclaimed.  Mom and Dad smiled.  I could sense their excitement.

Over the next 3 years, our church grew.  We moved from a home to a school to a shared church building.  I never knew a church could become so close; I knew everyone’s name, and they knew me.  I watched in amazement as the worship leader’s wife used sign language with the songs.  Although I had to ask my parents what she was doing with her hands, I did not need to ask about the expression on her face.  She was obviously in love with Jesus.

Then I began to sense currents of tension.  One couple was unhappy. The complaints became louder, then one day Dad sat us down with bad news written all over his face.  “Our pastor is leaving,” he said.  “And the church decided to dissolve instead of find a new pastor.”  In the first 20 seconds, I went from disbelief to anger to a defiant wall around my heart:  I would never let a church hurt me again.  (By the way, this pastor and I are still friends, and God is using him in awesome ways through a new ministry now – God may have been calling him away regardless of the tension in the church, this is merely my perception at the age of 12).

Yet mom sang, “Count your many blessings see what God has done.”  What was there to be thankful for?  If the church stood for God, wasn’t it God Himself who had hurt us so much?  I would have dismissed the whole scene, but her sincerity turned my confusion into intrigue.  It was obvious mom wasn’t just putting on a show.  Kids know the true lessons their parents are teaching.  When I asked her about it, I don’t remember the words she used, but I remember the message:  There’s always something to be thankful for, and God is still worthy of praise even during the hardest of times.

Easter Sunday will be my husband’s last day as worship leader in our current church; I admire him for staying until the worship leader chosen by the Search Committee starts, which will be the following Sunday.  I am still hurt over the situation itself.  Yet God often brings to mind the song “Praise You in This Storm” by Casting Crowns (lyrics below) – at times I find myself singing it around my kids without even realizing it.  I thank my mom for her godly example; my prayer is that I will leave the same impression of thankfulness in the memories of my own children.  I can teach my boys that no matter what pain life brings, God is still worthy of my praise.

Some blessings I can “count” today:

  • I’m thankful for those in my church who reached out to me and helped me get past my fear of being hurt to truly “belong” to my church.
  • I’m thankful that I have wonderful friends here in my church – we have laughed and cried together, met for Bible study, baby showers, and birthday parties.
  • I’m thankful that it is not God’s rejection we face, only man’s.
  • I’m thankful that I can be “confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Jesus, thank You for the godly example of my mom teaching me to count my blessings even while tears are streaming down my face.  Help me be a godly example to my children and to others who are watching to see how we will handle this hurt.  Let my family continue to praise You, even in the midst of this storm.

 

Excerpt from “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns

  • I was sure by now God You would have reached down,
  • And wiped our tears away, Stepped in and saved the day,
  • But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
  • As the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, “I’m with you.“
  • And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, And takes away
  • And I’ll praise You in this storm, And I will lift my hands
  • For You are who You are, No matter where I am
  • And every tear I’ve cried, You hold in Your hand
  • You never left my side
  • And though my heart is torn
  • I will praise You in this storm

To Bless Your Heart

| Karen

At church this morning, Daniel led us in “Heart of Worship” by Matt Redman.  It began, “When the music fades and all is stripped away, and I simply come…Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless Your heart.”  It struck me that I had gotten so caught up in thinking of worship as a job, an income, and even a source of contention in my church right now that I had forgotten the whole point.

Worship is more than a job, an income, or a hobby,  It’s more than the song, the instruments, or the players.  It’s more than the people, their preferences, and even prejudices.  At times worship becomes more only in the presence of less.  Less distraction, less ritual, less control, less sameness.

In the midst of my shaky church upbringing, I found myself in a strong youth group whose sole focus was knowing Christ better.  Unlike our peers who sought youth retreats filled with entertainment, this group sought Christ through in-depth Bible study, prayer, and worship.

At the end of an especially intimate week-long retreat, we gathered in a meeting place designed with the same specifications as the Upper Room in the days of the early church.  One parent asked me to stand up in front of the group and sing “I Love You Lord” – with no music or even words, just sign language.  As I used only my hands to tell Jesus that I loved Him, I felt His presence in that Upper Room.  Though there was no special lighting, no Power Point, no band, no choir – no sound – I felt as if I was face to face with God, simply telling Him, “I love You.”

How fitting that God would lay the same song on Daniel’s heart today, 17 years later, as a certain season of our life draws to a close.  The praise team stepped down, leaving Daniel and Rick to worship God with only their instruments.  They sang no words, yet I found myself again face to face with my Savior saying, “I Love You Lord.”  Despite the struggles surrounding “worship” lately, the song led me back to the simple intimacy of loving Jesus and knowing He loves me.  This is truly the Heart of Worship.

Jesus, may we use whatever we have – words or silence, joy or pain – to “bless Your heart” today.